What Sarah knows you need to know this week:
Sarah says: “Here’s the thing, guys. NO MATTER HOW MUCH you really want to talk about Kate Upton’s new hip hop moves as shot by Terry Richardson, your date doesn’t want to talk about it. Like, at all. Just for so many reasons. So, cool off (get it? You will in a second.) with this story about Richard Branson making ice cubes in his own likeness. What else did you expect from a megalomaniac billionaire who wants to colonize the moon or whatever?”
Sarah says: “Nostalgia is something we can all get behind, whether it’s for Bill Cosby’s wise yet silly fathering, or his silly yet wise sweaters. Take a gander through these photos and laugh and laugh as your heads draw together over your phone. Possibly note that the majority of these outfits are RAD. This will make you look hip and fashion forward — goddammit, stop thinking about Kate Upton! Concentrate on the Coz.”
Sarah says: “Talking about celebrity train wrecks, AKA, Girls’ Favorite Pastime, is always a great move. Lohan apparently did not do the drugs or the dudes at the White House Correspondent’s dinner, but let’s call a spade a spade: she definitely put the white in White House at the after party. That was a drug joke. Never use it. And now let’s talk about her mother. You would NEVER let your child act that way. Did you mention that you want children? Because you do.”
Sarah says: “This is huge news. Literally. Jessica Simpson was enormous! And wore so many mumus! And was seemingly pregnant for seven years! And she named her baby Maxwell Drew. That’s like two hot girl names, the baby is definitely going to be hot. Jesus, stop talking about hot babies.”
Sarah says: “Don’t assume that your date isn’t into Batman. She most certainly is because Batman is played by Christian Bale. If she isn’t into the whole “Christopher Nolan is the greatest auteur of our time” conversation, talk about Anne Hathaway. Is she pro or anti-Hathaway as Catwoman? Wait, she doesn’t give a crap? You should probably leave.”
Sarah Walker is a girl who likes dudes, which is literally her only qualification for writing this column. She also writes for McSweeney’s, Funny or Die and some other things. Follow her on Twitter @swalks, read more of her writing at www.sarahwwalker.com, but really, do whatever you want. Because this is America.